On a roll?

As of lately, I have been getting so much done in a quicker time than normal for me. I found the strength to go back to work. However short of a day it was, I did it. I hope that this ball keeps on rolling. I hope that I keep getting work, get my car fixed, get back into dance classes, get back to the company, and ultimately start working on a degree in dance and studio management. Dance is what I know and love. Do what you love.
On a different note, a small pebble in the way of this ball. I just got word from my doctor that i'm having thyroid issues. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm anxious to find out what's truely going on. When I was dancing I never had so many health issues. Hopefully dancing again will get me back on track. OH BALLET WORLD YOUR SIRENS CALL ME AND I AM HINDERED TO GET TO YOU AS QUICKLY AS I WISH.

Memories!

My Mom and I were driving down the road the other day and realized. Wow, this time of year we usually could have been found at rehearsals getting ready for opening weekend of the Nutcracker. To most people the smell of a theater is nothing to write home about. But I love the smell of the dust, the stage, the old curtains, and the feel of the floor. We talked a while about our adventures. So many tutu's piled high in her van.

I can remember after company class it was off to the dressing room. I'd start my make-up, go out to prayer before the show started, back in the dressing room, I'd be finishing my make-up as the music started for party scene. On with my tights and pointe shoes, in the hallway to stretch. Then it was getting sewn into my snow tutu and off to the wings.

I don't ever remember being nervous before a show. I can still remember the feel, just a split second before going on stage of--- omg I have to pee (that was my nerves) and on I was with a flying grand zete. Gosh the second I stepped on stage I was a million feet high. It was a feeling of electricity, flight, and untouchability that for a short moment in time I was beautiful. None of the harsh words I had heard in school could bother me in my safe haven on stage. I didn't have two different eyes there. I was everything I wanted to be.

I take my bow, and once again I return to being the skinny, one eyed girl that I wish I could escape.

Lost

There is nothing in this world I love more than my daughter. She's my reason for waking up in the morning and gives me so many reasons to be thankful. But I'm losing myself. I love spending so much time with Lizzy. I'm trying to get a few hours of work a week right now because I think Lizzy and I are ready to get some time away from each other. I need a night of fun. Just me.....out and releasing. I'm literaly crying right now because Lizzy's alseep, I had the chance to go out and I can't. For fear of pissing someone off. I know Lizzy would be just fine. 2 hours was all I asked. Am I being selfish? Do I deserve a little time to myself?

Income?

Elizabeth is going to be 6 months old in just a few days. She's growing so fast. It's absolutely amazing. Now that she's becoming a little more independant I need to find some work. I need just a few hours to bring in some cash. I need to get myself back into dance classes to prepare for auditions. You can only do so much using a crib as a ballet bar. I just hope to God that I can get back into the company. It would be the icing on the cake to my life. That and getting a house. Hell 50 dollars a week would be a great improvement. LOL Oh ballet----- why do you fill my head with hopes, dreams, and fear. I love it so much.

4 months ish!!

So, it is now November, Lizzy will be 6 months old soon, bills are piling up, and I'm still yurning to return to ballet. I need to find income. Lizzy won't take a bottle and I really don't want to leave her to go to work. I need dance classes to get my untoned and out of shape self ready to audition. I have 4 months roughly to get it together. If I could get back into the company she could come to rehearsal with me. She's a good baby. There are so many ballerina's in major companies that have returned to ballet post partum and have danced better than before. My soul just feels so broken without ballet. Chris and Lizzy sure do make life wonderful don't get me wrong but I really want to dance too. GRRRR!!!!

Back to the World of Ballet

Once a dancer; always a dancer. For all of you dancers out there, you will understand. Dance is my blood, my spirit, and my beating heart. Being a wife and now a mother I feel that I have the right mindset now to return to a company.

There is nothing that can quite explain the feeling of performing. I can still smell the theatre in my nose. I remember the feeling of the stage under my feet. The speakers busting out my queue to enter the stage. The feeling of flying across the stage in a grand zete. In a life of pain, I remember how being on stage made me fearless, confident, and made me feel beautiful. That's the person I want my daughter to know her mother as. Not working some random job, being an everyday no body. I want her to be proud of me and say "my mom is a professional ballerina. What's yours?"

Now the hard part.... paying for classes after getting the bills payed. LOL Let the fun begin

The Child in My Arms

Today, I stared at my daughter as she fell asleep in my arms. As she lay there so innocent; the tears welled up in my eyes. I was so happy, hopeful, and scared all at one time. This little girl has brought so much joy and meaning into my life. In her, I can see so many good things. I wish for her all the most wonderful things. I hope that I have the strength and knowledge to help her along the way. I want to be able to provide her with so much. Not just the material things in this life, but I want to set a good example, help her to experience all that life has to offer, and fell confident in herself to try new things. I am scared to death however; that she will experience those horrible things in this life that I have. I want there to experience life with out the hardship. Without the heart break. It absolutely amazes me how one tiny little girl can bring about so many emotions.

Am I nuts?

Since I was 7 years old up until a short time ago, I was a dancer. It was how I defined myself. It was who I was. I lived and breathed dance. When I stopped dancing I was not ready in the least. It broke my heart.
I have 2 more titles now: wife and mother. But who am I. I"m 27 now and 5 months post partum. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight and feeling very ambitious. I want and need to dance! I need that definition. It's what I know. I need it to feel complete. In reality if I can get back to it I know I only have a couple of years and will need to find something else. They way I look at it is that you only live once and I have to do this. I can't go back to working some random job making less than adequate money. I'd rather kill my body and be happy. I've always wanted my children to know me as a ballerina. I thought it would be something they could be proud of as well.
Is it possible? Would I be able to perform again? Time will only tell.

Welcome to Me

So, I've started a blog. Why? I find myself each night struggling with the want to go to sleep. That want is unable to be satisfied by the constant running of my brain. Ever so circling on everything under the sun. Because of this I though it may be a good idea to start getting things off my chest. Call it complaining, bitching, selfish, stupid, etc... but I feel this is something I need to do.
Don't get me wrong, there are many things that make me so incredible happy and surely you will hear about those. But seriously, how many of you really think you know me? I've put on such a mascarade over the years just to protect myself that most of you don't have the slightest clue about me. I hope that this will help you all out a bit. I let you know a little more about me, if you care to read. And as you read please don't judge; I've had enough of that in my life.
So enjoy, read, share, or don't. The choice is yours.