A Dancers Brain

When someone tells you that ballerina's are nuts BELIEVE THEM 100%. A ballerina spends hours upon hours working on perfection. Whether it is to be the best they can be or better then the rest at their craft. They spend hours on end making sure their bodies are working and looking the best they can. We find total joy in having a good class. We feel flight, freedom, and spiritual release in performing. We work so hard to make it look easy (or at least try).
......And then...............there are those days when even though we are giving our all to the art and athletesism of ballet; we are our own worst enemy. We are our toughest critics and have the hardest of times believing that we are capable of having an off day. Oh the funks we can get ourselves into. But the most amazing thing is that we could be in total tears, histerical and the moment we take a step on stage you wouldn't know the difference.
It is this time on stage, this breath in time of releasing the cares, woes, and worries....all the things that are wrong in the world/ your world that make all the blood, sweat, tears, tourture and grandure worth while. It's an addiction to the freedom; to capturing the audience and putting them into your pocket keeping them ever so hypnotized by the story you are creating for them. Never the wiser to the dedication that was put in.
So yes, we ballerina's are nuts. In all that we put ourselves through and the greedy enjoyment we get out of it...... I'm proud to say I'm a dancer and would not change this for the world.

NUTS!!!

I couldn't resist! lol ..... It's Nutcracker season. The chill in the air, the smell of the leaves, getting all wrapped up in tights and warm up gear and headed to rehearsal. God I LOVE IT!!!! So, I'm a member of the Atlantic City Ballet. I'm so happy. Even though I'm an apprentice for the time being. I'm once again doing what I love. I'll be dancing 2 roles that I've done in the past when I was much younger but hey.... I've got to get started again somewhere and I'll take what I can get. But I can't wait to be back in the theater. I may just start crying when I walk in the theater again. It's such an awesome feeling to me and a memory I hold so vivid in my mind. The depth of the feeling is just so strong and compelling and no words could possibly describe what it means to me. The first show is December 3. That's 26 more days until I get the chance to fly again!

Food for the Soul!

Oh what a happy soul I am! So it has been some time since I have blogged. I really didn't have much happiness or motivation to write about. The tide has turned and things are finally looking up. So I'm currently teaching for 2 ballet studios and occassionally helping with rehearsals for a ballet company. I've been so busy with dance and working at the daycare I. For the first time in 8 years I feel normal.

At my daughter and my Mommy and Me class yesterday I was offered by one of the studios to do my own Nutcracker. Knowing what kind of a huge undertaking and expense it could be I recommended they talk to a particular ballet company about the performances next year. It meant so much to me that they have so much faith in me but as a good person I have the studio's best interests in mind.

In speaking with my former director and assisting in some rehearsals....my hopes have a chance of coming true. It's not an absolute definate yet but it seems like I will be able to perform Nutcracker this season. I'm so extremely excited to be performing again. I know I can't expect the same roles I used to perform but I in complete understanding of the reason. I can't wait to smell the theater and feel my soul take flight once again. Oh if I could only bottle the exhiliration of being on stage and sell it. The world would find peace, war would be abolished, and we would find ourselves a creative eutopia. LoL. Yes I am happy and I hope that this positive energy can stay for always.

SO ..... to my future company members.... Merde for the last show of Dracula and I hope to see you in rehearsal soon!

Serenity

Photo of the rose garden fountain at Ballindaloch Castle in Scotland. Our Honeymoon 2007.

Lately the biggest word for me has been serenity. How to find it? How to live it? I have encountered so many walls recently and I can only hope to find the way around or over them. Or at least to find a better path to serenity.

Some words to live by:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept all things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting the He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Just keep swimming........

I have to state the obvious that life is a bunch of ups, downs, and plateaus. I think it's the plateaus that make things difficult and man am I on a doozie. I am trying to make things happen. Get back to class as much as possible, get back to teaching hopefully, back to the company hopefully, and back to school in the long run. On top of all that I am trying to bring in more money so Chris and I can give Lizzy a home. Not a room; a home. I am so thankful for my parents to help us out so much while we are getting things together to find a place, but it's taking a toll on me. I am longing for more space, a kitchen of my own, and mostly a place that Lizzy can roam about and I dont have to worry about what she's getting into. I want her to feel that freedom. My soul really needs things to start happening and I need it fast. I think Chris needs it as well. To quote "Finding Nemo".... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. For now I'm just keeping my head above water and I'm going to keep going to finally make it ashore. I know in my heart and my head what I have to do, the mindset I need to be in, and how I need to act. Now I just need to apply it. I am content, but I must say I'm longing for things to be on the up and up once more.

Headed to Class!

Well, it's been a little while but I can finally get back into class tonight! I need it so badly. If I expect to get to where I want to go I've gotta bust my ass but I need classes to help out along the way. I went to a wedding this weekend. It was like a reunion of dancers from about 7 years ago. It was so nice to see everyone, meet a few new people. I have to say I felt a little out of place because it has been so long and I haven't been very social in the past year due to the baby. I hope that this new awakening of being out alone for a little while, classes, and work outs at home get me where I need to be. I can only hope and try to stay confident in myself. My soul is happy today and for that I am thankful!

My baby is 1!!

Wow!!! Elizabeth is 1. It is amazing how fast this year has gone. This time last year my life was changed and my eyes were opened. The little miracle that was placed in my arms helped to find out who I am, who I want to be, and they way things really are. It's amazing how in such a beautiful moment of seeing my daughter for the first time I knew I would die for her, do anything for her, love her unconditionally, and put her before myself no matter what. She helped to realize how much I love my husband, Chris. This wonderful man stood by my side through labor and my troubles post partum and stayed strong when I felt so weak. When the world forgot about me, he still did what he could to make me feel beautiful and loved. There isn't a soul in this world luckier than I am. My daughter and husband have given me a new drive, goal, and lust for life. Seeing the world through my daughters eyes in truely spectacular. To watch the studying, questioning, exciting, and loving gazes that come from her eyes melts my heart.

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Marie Gordon! Mommy and Daddy love you so very much and are so proud of the wonderful little miracle that you are!

Where is the beauty?

I've been looking at so many photos lately. Looking for a place to take dance photos and get some head shots done. In looking for ideas, I see so many girls with such unique features that are so beautiful. I then look at myself in the mirror and I know I couldn't take pictures like that. I can't look that beautiful. I challenge any photographer to find beauty in me. I'm too wierd. My eyes just aren't right for a pretty picture. I don't have it.

A Leap of Faith!!!

So I took the first step in getting me on the path to career happiness. On Thursday, I drove to the studio to have a talk with my old director. Instead of asking for a position, I asked if I could audition for her in 2 months. I think it will help me be more confident and I hope that it looked good on my part. I stated my intentions on returning to school for Arts Management/studio operations and to start teaching dance again. The meeting went well and she agreed to let me auditoin for her in the near future.
So I guess the ball is now in my court. It is up to me to make it or break it. I now have to buckle down and get my butt back in shape. I hope that I meet and exceed her expectations and that I dont disappoint myself.
You never know what will happen if you dont take a leapof faith.

Frustrations

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged. I'm sitting at my inlaws in Maine and had the chance to let you all in on my life currently. As you can tell by my title I'm frustrated. I feel frozen in time. I feel so helpless to get things in motion and feel like I can't vent so much of my feelings because I could be stepping on toes. It's like I'm screaming in the middle of a crowded room and no one can hear me. The clock is ticking away and I can't move with the beat. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a while!

Well, it's been a little while since I've written anything. I've taken a couple of dance classes recently. Amazingly, they weren't that bad. Not ready by any means. Gotta say though, I'm stressing. I don't have a car to get to class and I need to get in class badly. I"ve got a lot to work on if i don't want to make a total ass of myself. My heart is slowly breaking at the thought of being train wrecked by my finiancial status. GRRRRR I hope something gives and I will make it into the company. My soul is hurting.