Memories!

My Mom and I were driving down the road the other day and realized. Wow, this time of year we usually could have been found at rehearsals getting ready for opening weekend of the Nutcracker. To most people the smell of a theater is nothing to write home about. But I love the smell of the dust, the stage, the old curtains, and the feel of the floor. We talked a while about our adventures. So many tutu's piled high in her van.

I can remember after company class it was off to the dressing room. I'd start my make-up, go out to prayer before the show started, back in the dressing room, I'd be finishing my make-up as the music started for party scene. On with my tights and pointe shoes, in the hallway to stretch. Then it was getting sewn into my snow tutu and off to the wings.

I don't ever remember being nervous before a show. I can still remember the feel, just a split second before going on stage of--- omg I have to pee (that was my nerves) and on I was with a flying grand zete. Gosh the second I stepped on stage I was a million feet high. It was a feeling of electricity, flight, and untouchability that for a short moment in time I was beautiful. None of the harsh words I had heard in school could bother me in my safe haven on stage. I didn't have two different eyes there. I was everything I wanted to be.

I take my bow, and once again I return to being the skinny, one eyed girl that I wish I could escape.

Lost

There is nothing in this world I love more than my daughter. She's my reason for waking up in the morning and gives me so many reasons to be thankful. But I'm losing myself. I love spending so much time with Lizzy. I'm trying to get a few hours of work a week right now because I think Lizzy and I are ready to get some time away from each other. I need a night of fun. Just me.....out and releasing. I'm literaly crying right now because Lizzy's alseep, I had the chance to go out and I can't. For fear of pissing someone off. I know Lizzy would be just fine. 2 hours was all I asked. Am I being selfish? Do I deserve a little time to myself?

Income?

Elizabeth is going to be 6 months old in just a few days. She's growing so fast. It's absolutely amazing. Now that she's becoming a little more independant I need to find some work. I need just a few hours to bring in some cash. I need to get myself back into dance classes to prepare for auditions. You can only do so much using a crib as a ballet bar. I just hope to God that I can get back into the company. It would be the icing on the cake to my life. That and getting a house. Hell 50 dollars a week would be a great improvement. LOL Oh ballet----- why do you fill my head with hopes, dreams, and fear. I love it so much.

4 months ish!!

So, it is now November, Lizzy will be 6 months old soon, bills are piling up, and I'm still yurning to return to ballet. I need to find income. Lizzy won't take a bottle and I really don't want to leave her to go to work. I need dance classes to get my untoned and out of shape self ready to audition. I have 4 months roughly to get it together. If I could get back into the company she could come to rehearsal with me. She's a good baby. There are so many ballerina's in major companies that have returned to ballet post partum and have danced better than before. My soul just feels so broken without ballet. Chris and Lizzy sure do make life wonderful don't get me wrong but I really want to dance too. GRRRR!!!!