Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Back to the World of Ballet

Once a dancer; always a dancer. For all of you dancers out there, you will understand. Dance is my blood, my spirit, and my beating heart. Being a wife and now a mother I feel that I have the right mindset now to return to a company.

There is nothing that can quite explain the feeling of performing. I can still smell the theatre in my nose. I remember the feeling of the stage under my feet. The speakers busting out my queue to enter the stage. The feeling of flying across the stage in a grand zete. In a life of pain, I remember how being on stage made me fearless, confident, and made me feel beautiful. That's the person I want my daughter to know her mother as. Not working some random job, being an everyday no body. I want her to be proud of me and say "my mom is a professional ballerina. What's yours?"

Now the hard part.... paying for classes after getting the bills payed. LOL Let the fun begin

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Child in My Arms

Today, I stared at my daughter as she fell asleep in my arms. As she lay there so innocent; the tears welled up in my eyes. I was so happy, hopeful, and scared all at one time. This little girl has brought so much joy and meaning into my life. In her, I can see so many good things. I wish for her all the most wonderful things. I hope that I have the strength and knowledge to help her along the way. I want to be able to provide her with so much. Not just the material things in this life, but I want to set a good example, help her to experience all that life has to offer, and fell confident in herself to try new things. I am scared to death however; that she will experience those horrible things in this life that I have. I want there to experience life with out the hardship. Without the heart break. It absolutely amazes me how one tiny little girl can bring about so many emotions.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Am I nuts?

Since I was 7 years old up until a short time ago, I was a dancer. It was how I defined myself. It was who I was. I lived and breathed dance. When I stopped dancing I was not ready in the least. It broke my heart.
I have 2 more titles now: wife and mother. But who am I. I"m 27 now and 5 months post partum. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight and feeling very ambitious. I want and need to dance! I need that definition. It's what I know. I need it to feel complete. In reality if I can get back to it I know I only have a couple of years and will need to find something else. They way I look at it is that you only live once and I have to do this. I can't go back to working some random job making less than adequate money. I'd rather kill my body and be happy. I've always wanted my children to know me as a ballerina. I thought it would be something they could be proud of as well.
Is it possible? Would I be able to perform again? Time will only tell.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Welcome to Me

So, I've started a blog. Why? I find myself each night struggling with the want to go to sleep. That want is unable to be satisfied by the constant running of my brain. Ever so circling on everything under the sun. Because of this I though it may be a good idea to start getting things off my chest. Call it complaining, bitching, selfish, stupid, etc... but I feel this is something I need to do.
Don't get me wrong, there are many things that make me so incredible happy and surely you will hear about those. But seriously, how many of you really think you know me? I've put on such a mascarade over the years just to protect myself that most of you don't have the slightest clue about me. I hope that this will help you all out a bit. I let you know a little more about me, if you care to read. And as you read please don't judge; I've had enough of that in my life.
So enjoy, read, share, or don't. The choice is yours.