Monday, April 23, 2012

30 in review.....

       Well, this Friday, April 27th, 2012, I will turn 30. So many people look at 30 and quiver. but I'm trying to look at this new decade in life as a beginning for clarity.
      When I look back on the last 30 years of my life it is hard to believe all of the things I have done, seen, and experienced. Picking out a few words that could describe my history; lonely, painful, misled, misunderstood, and invisible come to mind. I can honestly say that I spent the majority of my life to date lost. Trying to cope with looking different than other people, being outcast/put down/ beat up, trying on different personalities to try to make everyone happy or to hopefully find some kind of social acceptance, and so much more had left a lot of scars and much more damage than anyone on this Earth could possibly understand. When I thought I finally had true friends, they disappeared during the biggest event in my life. As much as I could try to vocalize the ghosts I fight on a daily basis, no one would ever truly grasp the depth. My Mom tried so hard to be so many things for me and I couldn't appreciate it more. In so many dark days, she was the warm welcome I could always count on.
     Beginning in August, a series of events occurred to finally help me see myself. I started working on a degree in dance. Dance was always the one thing that the kept me safe. It was the only place, as a young girl, I was told I looked beautiful. I could escape the world by bellying up to the ballet barre and letting go off all words. In starting my degree, I came into contact with my ballet professor, Erin Royston. Ms. Royston is not only one of the best ballet teachers I have come across in my 23 years of dancing, but she is one of the greatest people I know. She demonstrates integrity, kindness, and what it means to be a lady every day. I am so thankful that Erin has been brought into my life. She helped me improve my technique so much, gave me confidence to to keep on trying, and showed me what kind of woman I want to be.
        By luck, I had won a family photo shoot in September with my favorite dance photographer, Brian Mengini. A quick discussion in my college ballet class with Erin and I find out she and Brian are quite good friends. Again, thanks to Erin, Brian had found out that I was a dancer and I was asked to have pointe shoes and dancewear in tow for the shoot. The photos were beautiful but what happened next was pivotal for me. Mr. Mengini contacted me to take part in another shoot and I was more than happy to participate. What came out of this shoot was nothing short of awakening for me. After being told I was ugly and put down for my appearance for so long, I had never looked at myself as anything more than a deformed little girl that had nothing to offer the world. Along came this photo............

For the first time in my life I saw a picture of myself and I didn't see my eye....I saw a woman. I saw an attractive woman.....I saw something I never thought or imagine I was or could be. Because of the photographic vision of Brian Mengini, I was able to see passed the facade. Brian has also been inspirational for me in that he devotes so much to things bigger than himself. His passion to make things happen everywhere has helped me to change the way I think. I can just sit around and wait for things to happen..... I'm going to make them happen.
     Moving along 6 degrees of separation, I was put into contact with a choreographer and company owner, Roman Baca. Mr. Baca is a former marine who has found a way to connect his love of dance to tell the story of his brothers in arms. Not only does he tell so many stories about our brave men and women through dance, but he brought dance to the kids effected most by the war in Iraq. Roman is another person who thinks bigger than himself and makes beautiful things happen. His drive, ability, and lack of fear in another inspiration to me. There is no such thing as impossible. He inspired me to do the things that scare me the most, because what's on the other side is beautiful.
   Recently, my niece asked me to attend a role-model breakfast this passed week. Me? A role-model? I was very moved. At this event, several students spoke about their role models and a motivational speaker addressed the crowd. I sat thinking to myself........ who is my role model? It didn't take long to identify the person who has given me so much of himself and continues to give me strength everyday. My husband Christopher Lyle Gordon is my hero. He selflessly served his country in the U.S. Army, is the most devoted father I have ever seen, he has the strongest work ethic, helps whenever he can, and is my rock. When I am at my weakest, it is Chris who picks me back up. When I'm stuck in my own head, he can bring me back to reality. He never asks for much or complains. I don't know how he does it, but after working all day, suffering through back pain, and stressed he is able to throw it all aside to give our daughter his attention. He shows her so many wonderful things and teaches her so much .I wish I had an ounce of his creativity. I wish I could be more like my husband and I hope that I can offer him some of the same support he always shows me.

     With so many inspiring people in my life, I, in my last year of my 20's, have finally discovered who I am and who I want to be. So, when I hit the 30 year milestone on Friday, I make this promise to myself.
 I promise to let go of the past, because there is no reason to hold on to so much negativity. I promise to get involved in things that are bigger than myself and to do the things that scare me. I promise not to let another person walk on me because I am a person and I matter. I promise to do the best I can for my loving husband and amazing daughter. I promise to keep dreaming and make those dreams come true.

So bring on the next 30 years..... I'm ready.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Dancers Brain

When someone tells you that ballerina's are nuts BELIEVE THEM 100%. A ballerina spends hours upon hours working on perfection. Whether it is to be the best they can be or better then the rest at their craft. They spend hours on end making sure their bodies are working and looking the best they can. We find total joy in having a good class. We feel flight, freedom, and spiritual release in performing. We work so hard to make it look easy (or at least try).
......And then...............there are those days when even though we are giving our all to the art and athletesism of ballet; we are our own worst enemy. We are our toughest critics and have the hardest of times believing that we are capable of having an off day. Oh the funks we can get ourselves into. But the most amazing thing is that we could be in total tears, histerical and the moment we take a step on stage you wouldn't know the difference.
It is this time on stage, this breath in time of releasing the cares, woes, and worries....all the things that are wrong in the world/ your world that make all the blood, sweat, tears, tourture and grandure worth while. It's an addiction to the freedom; to capturing the audience and putting them into your pocket keeping them ever so hypnotized by the story you are creating for them. Never the wiser to the dedication that was put in.
So yes, we ballerina's are nuts. In all that we put ourselves through and the greedy enjoyment we get out of it...... I'm proud to say I'm a dancer and would not change this for the world.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I couldn't resist! lol ..... It's Nutcracker season. The chill in the air, the smell of the leaves, getting all wrapped up in tights and warm up gear and headed to rehearsal. God I LOVE IT!!!! So, I'm a member of the Atlantic City Ballet. I'm so happy. Even though I'm an apprentice for the time being. I'm once again doing what I love. I'll be dancing 2 roles that I've done in the past when I was much younger but hey.... I've got to get started again somewhere and I'll take what I can get. But I can't wait to be back in the theater. I may just start crying when I walk in the theater again. It's such an awesome feeling to me and a memory I hold so vivid in my mind. The depth of the feeling is just so strong and compelling and no words could possibly describe what it means to me. The first show is December 3. That's 26 more days until I get the chance to fly again!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Food for the Soul!

Oh what a happy soul I am! So it has been some time since I have blogged. I really didn't have much happiness or motivation to write about. The tide has turned and things are finally looking up. So I'm currently teaching for 2 ballet studios and occassionally helping with rehearsals for a ballet company. I've been so busy with dance and working at the daycare I. For the first time in 8 years I feel normal.

At my daughter and my Mommy and Me class yesterday I was offered by one of the studios to do my own Nutcracker. Knowing what kind of a huge undertaking and expense it could be I recommended they talk to a particular ballet company about the performances next year. It meant so much to me that they have so much faith in me but as a good person I have the studio's best interests in mind.

In speaking with my former director and assisting in some hopes have a chance of coming true. It's not an absolute definate yet but it seems like I will be able to perform Nutcracker this season. I'm so extremely excited to be performing again. I know I can't expect the same roles I used to perform but I in complete understanding of the reason. I can't wait to smell the theater and feel my soul take flight once again. Oh if I could only bottle the exhiliration of being on stage and sell it. The world would find peace, war would be abolished, and we would find ourselves a creative eutopia. LoL. Yes I am happy and I hope that this positive energy can stay for always.

SO ..... to my future company members.... Merde for the last show of Dracula and I hope to see you in rehearsal soon!

Monday, June 28, 2010


Photo of the rose garden fountain at Ballindaloch Castle in Scotland. Our Honeymoon 2007.

Lately the biggest word for me has been serenity. How to find it? How to live it? I have encountered so many walls recently and I can only hope to find the way around or over them. Or at least to find a better path to serenity.

Some words to live by:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept all things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting the He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Just keep swimming........

I have to state the obvious that life is a bunch of ups, downs, and plateaus. I think it's the plateaus that make things difficult and man am I on a doozie. I am trying to make things happen. Get back to class as much as possible, get back to teaching hopefully, back to the company hopefully, and back to school in the long run. On top of all that I am trying to bring in more money so Chris and I can give Lizzy a home. Not a room; a home. I am so thankful for my parents to help us out so much while we are getting things together to find a place, but it's taking a toll on me. I am longing for more space, a kitchen of my own, and mostly a place that Lizzy can roam about and I dont have to worry about what she's getting into. I want her to feel that freedom. My soul really needs things to start happening and I need it fast. I think Chris needs it as well. To quote "Finding Nemo".... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. For now I'm just keeping my head above water and I'm going to keep going to finally make it ashore. I know in my heart and my head what I have to do, the mindset I need to be in, and how I need to act. Now I just need to apply it. I am content, but I must say I'm longing for things to be on the up and up once more.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Headed to Class!

Well, it's been a little while but I can finally get back into class tonight! I need it so badly. If I expect to get to where I want to go I've gotta bust my ass but I need classes to help out along the way. I went to a wedding this weekend. It was like a reunion of dancers from about 7 years ago. It was so nice to see everyone, meet a few new people. I have to say I felt a little out of place because it has been so long and I haven't been very social in the past year due to the baby. I hope that this new awakening of being out alone for a little while, classes, and work outs at home get me where I need to be. I can only hope and try to stay confident in myself. My soul is happy today and for that I am thankful!